What's with all those carrots, what do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

...apologies to Joss Whedon.

This sheer idiocy is the result of stupidity occurring within emails. But hey, it was entertaining enough to get a minor laugh. So, henceforth, and so on, I present to you, the Note of Concern for the Welfare of Friends in the Face of Dire Invasion from Peoples of Nasty Persuasion.

My friend,

I write to you with grave concerns for both your welfare, and my own. In regards to my own, I suppose I could say how windy it is outside, but the last few weeks instead of thinking that's relief from heat, I wonder how many bushfires that's driving, and if any of my loved ones are affected. I could talk about my wife and child, but then with the child having stayed up two hours past her bedtime (till 9 PM), yelling and screaming due to grave illness, and the dear wife also stricken in the side of her mouth, that, too, is kinda depressing. Well, too late for some of that, I guess. Perhaps I shall talk about The Bunnies.

No, not the bunnies you'd keep as fluffy pets at home in a hutch, I'm talking about machine-gun wielding Attack bunnies from Attack Force Z! YES that's right, Attack Force Z are invading Australia, and I don't know how long I will be able to maintain control of my computer. It could be any second my transmission gets cut off because they don't want the world to know they're invading. What's more, they're everywhere! EVERYWHERE, my friend! That kid with the rabbit down the road from your place? Bunny naval commando. Those wild hares running free across the UK and Europe? Infantry. Rampant bunnies across Australian farms and fields, eating farms away as they go? Engineering corp. Hugh Jackman hosting the Oscars? Well, he's the worst of the worst, he's their Field Marshall, Rabbitoh von Sprinkerhoffenhausenscheissen. Think Rommel, but fluffy. How else could he have gotten the part of Wolverine unless he was actually FLUFFY???

Yes, Bunnies are out to get you and I, and they've got machine guns. So my dear, dear friend, next time you see a Rabbit, look it in the eye, and say, "YOBBOYOBBOYOBBO!!!" which is not just Australian slang for a good ole boy, but is a warning that Bunny Invaders are near! Heed my words, friend, for they're coming to get you, and I, both!!!

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Insomnia

Right now all I know is insomnia...

The small voice opened his eyes a crack with a crowbar applied with brutal force. His own personal little alarm clock, he called her. At least, that was one of the more affectionate names for his daughter.

He struggled up to get to her room, wondering what was wrong - what in the hell was the time again, bloody 3:30 AM??? She'd never woken up at this time, in all her short 5-month-old life. Trying desperately to avoid bashing into doorframes, he staggered to her bedroom to find an amazing sight...

In the middle of her cot, his daughter was standing ramrod straight (Impossible!) with the tiniest card table (Improbable!) making sandwiches (No way!) for herself to eat.

"Uhhhhh..." he said, mystified at what he was seeing.

"Oh. Uhm. Yeah. Sorry, Daddy, I got hungry for a midnight snack..." His 5-month old daughter wasn't just saying her first word, but sentence, statement, apology, and everything earth-shattering which usually happens much, MUCH later.

"Uhhh, that's okay, little girl, uhm, you be careful with that uhhh... knife?" She held a small vegetable-cutting knife in her little hands - usually so out of control - and was using it to cut open a tomato.

"Of course, Daddy, you always tell me that sharp things are to be handled with care!" She grinned sweetly.

"Okay, well, if you're allright then..."

"I'm fine, Daddy, I love you" That familiar grin, yet words coming out of her mouth as well...

"I'm going to go back to bed." 

"Cool. I'll be doing the same in a few minutes. Good night, Daddy."

"Good night..."

He staggered back to bed, marvelling at what had just happened. His little girl could not only talk, but she was obviously walking, and holding things, and making sandwiches! I wonder if that means she had teeth now, it was hard to see in the dark... his reverie was interrupted by that little voice again.

He struggled out of bed again, saying "Oh, honey, what is it?" and fully expecting an answer. By the time he'd got to his daughter's room, the card table had gone, the knife had gone, the tomatoes, the sandwiches, it was all gone. His daughter was just crying and crying wordlessly, as she had always done.

Disappointed, he realised he must have been dreaming, changed her nappy rather expertly in the dark, and returned to bed again. 

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Drunk Russians

K, not sure how this will work... An awful stereotype that won't leave my head, and I perversely find vaguely amusing. Having known Russians, they are actually wonderful, beautiful and cultured people, and most of them are actually not drunk. But tell me if it's too much. I am being very peurile with these two guys, because they're a bit of me that wants to behave like a flaming imbecile all the time. And speak in a thick Russian accent.

Finally, the dialogue of the boys is deliberately misspelled - I'm attempting to convey their accent here. Yes, they could speak Russian to one another, but that would take some of the fun out of it.

Yuri picked up the intercom phone.

"Da, dis is Borit, I bring calling for Yuri!" The man on the other end had a thick accent, and his tongue was heavy from long drinking sessions.

"Da, Borit, dis Yuri! My frien! Joo bring wodka???" Yuri staggered to the door to his apartment.

"Yuri, joo be thinkings bad tings of me. Of COURSE I bring wodka!" Borit staggered up the stairs, ploughing into either side of the walls on the stairwell, all the time screaming at his friend as they closed to hug in traditional Russian manner.

"Borit, my frien!"

"Yuri!!!"

"BORIT!!!!"

"YURIIIIII!!!!"

"BORIT, JOO STAND ON MY SHOE!!!!"

"Oh, so sorry my frien..."

"Da, joo should be."

"I am."

Yuri humphed back to the couch he was sleeping on. "Borit, what do you like to do more den, ANYTHING."

"Da, I like to party wid wodka and girlies and wodka and more party wid more wodka..."

"I want go bunchie chumping" Yuri interrupted

"What is dis bunchie chumping?"

"Is what dey do in New Zeeeeland, joo know, for laughings."

"Ah! Lord of Rings!"

"Da, and dey do bunchie chumping, and they laughings lots!"

"Do joo know how to bunchie chump?" asked Borit, eager now he thought he had an idea of what Yuri was talking about.

"Da, I see on Teevee!"

"Da???"

"Da!!!"

"Da? Joo show, now!"

"OK, first joo takings a big rope..." Yuri pulled out a spare rope he had prepared earlier... "Den joo tieings to something secure... here, Borit, you big man!" he handed the rope to Borit, and Borit started tieing it gleefully around his ample girth.

"Da, I BIG man!"

"Da, you da BIG BIG man, Borit!"

"Da, I BIIIIIG BIG man!!!"

"CHENEYWAY. Den, you go chumpings!"

"Where you go chumpings?"

"I go out window. Good-bye-bye!" Yuri plunged out the second story window screaming "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

The rope went suddenly taut, and Borit wondered what was going on briefly before being snatched towards the window at a rate of knots.

Yuri kept on travelling down, down, down, waiting to be snatched back up towards the apartments just like he saw on Teevee, but the snatch never came. He landed spreadeagled on the footpath below his flat.

Aching all over, he rolled onto his back, only to see his friend and flying rope between him and Borit plummeting towards him, with Borit screaming "NYYYYYEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!"

Borit landed on top of Yuri with a huge splat, knocking the wind out of both of them. Gunting and groaning from their injuries, Borit looked at Yuri with disdain.

"Yuri, if bunchie chumping hurt so much, nex time, we drink wodka BEFORE we chumpings!"

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Vampire silliness

This is just a silly idea which occurred to me last night.

...she saw him standing like a bloodied crow on the windowsill. It was the moment she'd been praying for for years. He was here. He had come to take her away into the night. Grace got up from bed and walked over to him, fingering her necklace nervously.
"My dark Lord, I am yours!"
He sneered with joy at her and leapt to her neck, his fangs blazing glory in the twilight. Grace felt pain at first, then a rush like nothing else on Earth as he drained her. She felt her heart pounding with quickness, then a howling so inhuman... the constant howling, speaking of such great soulless pain and suffering...
She came to herself rather abruptly as she realised the Crow had stopped drinking and was looking at her strangely.
"My Lord, is it done? Am I your immortal slave now?"
The Crow stared at her and looked almost... afraid? He'd held his hand over his mouth
"My Lord...? I'm still bleeding, surely you thirst for more..." She offered herself to him once more, her blood steaming out of her artery. She was beginning to feel light headed now, surely her entry to immortality should be better than this?
The Crow stared fearfully, still covering his mouth, dripping blood between his fingers and down his chin.
Grace lost her patience at his hesitance.
"Hey, bleeding to death here, aren't you supposed to drink?!?"
"I broke my tooth on your necklace!" whimpered the Crow.
Grace was stunned.
"Oh."
The awkwardness seemed to be breeding babies of awkwardness, it was just soooo... awkward.
"Oh, well... uhm... I guess it... happens..." Grace said, fumbling for her dignity, and something to bandage the blood gushing from her neck.
"Wait, you don't think I'm less of a vampire, do you?"
"No, darling, it's fine."
"But I can still take you..."
"No, it's alright, it's fine."
"But we were so close..."
"No, I'm fine, you're fine, we're all fine. OK? It's fine." Grace somehow stopped the bleeding with her nightgown, and started guzzling water deeply from a bottle. She started feeling better (though not the kind of better she had been hoping for) and crawled back to bed.
The Crow looked heartbroken - more so than usual - and skulked to the foot of the bed. "Grace, this can't be the end. We need to be together, you and I, in darkness for all eternity..."
"Oh, I don't know..." Grace looked out the window thoughtfully, "Look, I guess I should tell you. There's another creature of the night, dear. He's a werewolf. He's always there, dependable, loyal... and his bark definately leaves a LOT of potential for his bite..."
"It's that cad, the Claw, isn't it!???" Crow sulked a little more. "I hate him! He is so... HAIRY! How could you, Grace? What did I do to you to drive you to him???"
"No, no, no, darling, it's not you, it's me. You're a wonderful, wonderful vampire, and I'll never forget you. You'll always be my special little guy." Grace's smile was so sweet it made Crow sick to (what was left of) his teeth.
"Then this is the end?"
"Yes, dear. I'm sorry."
Crow sadly stepped back out the window before turning back. "Will I ever see you again?"
"Oh, maybe, one of these days, we'll meet again and we'll be best friends."
"...but werewolves don't *like* vampires..."
"Don't trouble yourself, dear, it's fine. We'll be fine. Goodnight." Grace slammed the window on the Crow and shut the curtains.

"...can I have my tooth back?"